Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Wake-up call

Apparently, I've been sleep walking for a while. Figuratively speaking. Sequestered in a cocoon of self pity, wallowing in guilt and doubt and remorse with a walloping dollop of stagnation thrown in for good measure. And it's getting a little late to keep wasting time.

My 15 year-old daughter parroted back to me something I've thrown out as a "joke" quite a bit lately. And for the first time, I heard myself. And it woke me up a little.

I made a drastic decision over two years ago. In a very uncharacteristic move, for me, I threw caution to the wind and decided it would be better for me - and for my kids - to live honestly and true to myself. So I jumped off a cliff and took them with me. It was my attempt to finally stop trying to live up to what I thought other people expected of me and figure out what I expected of myself. A year later, I married a wonderful man and started a new life. But not really.

I haven't moved forward at all since then. Time has, though. It swirls around my ankles and rushes past me while I stand still.

Poor me, I can't finish a book. Poor me, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Poor me, I can't let go of grief and the past. What a load of crap.

I'm alive and healthy and intelligent.

Let's see if I can stay awake.


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