Savannah's Story
My youngest child had a birthday yesterday; she turned 7 on April 7th, 2007. Her Aunt Tina made a wonderful cake for her and we had a party at her favorite restaurant, McDonald's, surrounded by her favorite people. I can't believe it's been nearly eight years since I found out she was coming, ready or not.
My entire life has pretty much gone in a linear direction. I never really made much of a conscious choice in the direction it went, but I knew where it was going. Like a river current just dragging me along. My gut feeling about things has always been right on the money.
Until Savannah.
My two older sons are from my first marriage. I was divorced for five years and after I became a Christian, remarried my ex-husband. Then came Katie and Joseph. Okay, I was done. Four kids spaced apart like that wasn't so bad. I was even ready to have a hysterectomy because of problems stemming from so many big babies.
My friend DeDe came down for a visit from Idaho one summer. We had a great visit and joked about what good friends we were; we still had our "cycles" together, even after living so far apart for so many years. And I realized I was a day late. No big deal. Just one day.
I bought a home pregnancy test on the way to my mom's house as a fluke; I even considered returning it, because there was slim to no chance of a pregnancy - believe me. And I didn't "feel" like I was.
The plan was to sneak and take it without my mom knowing, because I thought she would totally flip out. Joseph was little, and the first thing he did when we got to her house was to grab the test out of the bag and toddle it into the kitchen to hand it to my mom. Nice. I grabbed it before she did, hoping she hadn't noticed what it was.
I went into the bathroom and followed the directions, chiding myself for being so ridiculous and wasting money on the stupid thing. After about 30 seconds, I looked at the little test window and saw the second line start to appear. Holy crap.
I blinked and sat down on the rug and blinked again. There was no mistake. The second pink line was getting darker every time I looked.
Five. I was going to have five kids. Me. The one who never wanted any when I was growing up. And I hadn't even seen it coming. No clue. I felt dizzy and disoriented and like my life was spinning out of control.
Somehow I stood up and walked to the kitchen, dazed, scared, dreading what my mother would say. Dreading what everyone would say, really. Who had five kids anymore? Isn't that the heighth of irresponsibility? My husband had never been thrilled any time I told him I was pregnant, much less with number five. Joseph was still breastfeeding. And a second pink line was staring me right in the face - there was no turning back.
Mom was standing at the kitchen sink with her back to me. I debated bypassing her and going straight to a corner to suck my thumb in the fetal position. But suddenly she turned around and beamed the most beautiful, excited smile at me and said, "Well, am I going to be a grandma again?"
I couldn't even say anything. Great big tears welled up in my eyes (they still do, when I think about this) and I nodded my head. Then my mom grabbed me up in a great big hug and said, "We're going to have another little ruffle-butt!" (That's southern-speak for "baby girl" because of those little panties they wear over their diapers with the ruffles on them.)
And that was when I breathed for the first time after I saw that second line. The world wasn't going to end. I was going to have another baby, and it didn't matter what anybody else thought.
Savannah was born on a beautiful spring day at 12:20 pm. No fuss, no muss; induced two weeks early because I had gestational diabetes. Long and skinny with coal black hair and a bad temper, she cried for the first three days of her life. I'm convinced it was because she was mad at having to come out before she was ready.
Her black hair quickly turned blonde and she looks like me when I was her age. She still has a temper, but she's learning how to deal with it - although not as quickly as I would like. She's a curious mix of opinionated, shy, independent, painfully self-conscious, and arrogant.
My heart breaks for her because we are a lot alike and I can see what she is going to have to go through growing up. But I'm also very proud of the qualities she has that I never did.
I hope she strikes a better balance.
My entire life has pretty much gone in a linear direction. I never really made much of a conscious choice in the direction it went, but I knew where it was going. Like a river current just dragging me along. My gut feeling about things has always been right on the money.
Until Savannah.
My two older sons are from my first marriage. I was divorced for five years and after I became a Christian, remarried my ex-husband. Then came Katie and Joseph. Okay, I was done. Four kids spaced apart like that wasn't so bad. I was even ready to have a hysterectomy because of problems stemming from so many big babies.
My friend DeDe came down for a visit from Idaho one summer. We had a great visit and joked about what good friends we were; we still had our "cycles" together, even after living so far apart for so many years. And I realized I was a day late. No big deal. Just one day.
I bought a home pregnancy test on the way to my mom's house as a fluke; I even considered returning it, because there was slim to no chance of a pregnancy - believe me. And I didn't "feel" like I was.
The plan was to sneak and take it without my mom knowing, because I thought she would totally flip out. Joseph was little, and the first thing he did when we got to her house was to grab the test out of the bag and toddle it into the kitchen to hand it to my mom. Nice. I grabbed it before she did, hoping she hadn't noticed what it was.
I went into the bathroom and followed the directions, chiding myself for being so ridiculous and wasting money on the stupid thing. After about 30 seconds, I looked at the little test window and saw the second line start to appear. Holy crap.
I blinked and sat down on the rug and blinked again. There was no mistake. The second pink line was getting darker every time I looked.
Five. I was going to have five kids. Me. The one who never wanted any when I was growing up. And I hadn't even seen it coming. No clue. I felt dizzy and disoriented and like my life was spinning out of control.
Somehow I stood up and walked to the kitchen, dazed, scared, dreading what my mother would say. Dreading what everyone would say, really. Who had five kids anymore? Isn't that the heighth of irresponsibility? My husband had never been thrilled any time I told him I was pregnant, much less with number five. Joseph was still breastfeeding. And a second pink line was staring me right in the face - there was no turning back.
Mom was standing at the kitchen sink with her back to me. I debated bypassing her and going straight to a corner to suck my thumb in the fetal position. But suddenly she turned around and beamed the most beautiful, excited smile at me and said, "Well, am I going to be a grandma again?"
I couldn't even say anything. Great big tears welled up in my eyes (they still do, when I think about this) and I nodded my head. Then my mom grabbed me up in a great big hug and said, "We're going to have another little ruffle-butt!" (That's southern-speak for "baby girl" because of those little panties they wear over their diapers with the ruffles on them.)
And that was when I breathed for the first time after I saw that second line. The world wasn't going to end. I was going to have another baby, and it didn't matter what anybody else thought.
Savannah was born on a beautiful spring day at 12:20 pm. No fuss, no muss; induced two weeks early because I had gestational diabetes. Long and skinny with coal black hair and a bad temper, she cried for the first three days of her life. I'm convinced it was because she was mad at having to come out before she was ready.
Her black hair quickly turned blonde and she looks like me when I was her age. She still has a temper, but she's learning how to deal with it - although not as quickly as I would like. She's a curious mix of opinionated, shy, independent, painfully self-conscious, and arrogant.
My heart breaks for her because we are a lot alike and I can see what she is going to have to go through growing up. But I'm also very proud of the qualities she has that I never did.
I hope she strikes a better balance.
posted by Cas at 11:01 PM
1 Comments:
It is extremely difficult to believe that someone that looks like you has FIVE children! That's amazing. Each one is a blessing in and of theirselves. And isn't it funny how you always think you get things passed your mom, when in reality you don't??? They know more and see more than you ever realize. Especially with little ones there to point things out! At least the pregnancy test that was found was yours! hehehehehe Glad Savannah had such a great birthday!!
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