Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The initial stages

Nathan's memorial service was on Sunday and I picked up the urn with his ashes in it today. I guess that's it, as far as ceremonies go.

It is inconceivable that this time last week I was eating Creme Brulee overlooking a beautiful lake in northern Idaho and my son was alive. Now he's dead and I'm still folding his laundry and picking up his last paycheck and he's in a small box in the top of my closet.

For those of you who don't know, he wasn't found floating in the pool; he was at the bottom of the deepest part with his head resting on his arms. We used to play a game where you hold your breath and let the air out of your lungs so you sink to the bottom of the pool and see how long you can stay down. Evidently he'd been taking an illegal form of Xanax which made him feel comfortable enough at the bottom of the pool to stay there forever. We'll know for sure when the toxicology report comes in a few weeks from now.

I spoke at his memorial and we played a movie my best friend and I put together that contained about 188 pictures spanning Nathan's life set to music he would have liked. It is a good memory for me.

I'm tired but I can't sleep. I keep feeling like there's something I should be doing, but I can't for the life of me think what it could be. I'm alternately angry and resigned.

And I still keep thinking he's going to walk around the corner and this is all going to be a terrible mistake.

Even though I know his ashes are in the top of my closet.


Blogger Master of My Own Small Universe said...

There are so many witticisms and wise sayings that I could spew forth... but none would seem to matter.

The only thing that matter is that your friends are here for you... period.

2:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Cassie,
The Memorial service was a beautiful thing... I admire you for your strength and courage to honor Nathan by addressing all the friends and family at the service, and I only pray I could do the same for my own.

Nathan will be greatly missed by our family. Heather will carry her sadness for sometime. Those 2 were very close. As boyfriend/girlfriend they had alot of fun, but as the relationship grew away from that, true friendship held fast and they grew even closer.

I think of you each day...

4:24 PM  
Blogger Master of My Own Small Universe said...

I think that thing you should be doing is writing...

10:25 PM  
Blogger elysabeth said...


In your own time, you will grieve less and less but you will never get over the shock of losing a child so young. I kind of know this from experience in that my brother lost his son at the age of 6 and it's been 7 years and he still has moments when it's all he thinks about.

Write about everything you feel - even if it is the numbness - don't let the memories leave you and remember your son. Write his life; write whatever it is you need to write to help you heal - E :)

1:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Chickie baby.....

As you know we are both going through some of the same feelings and thoughts but for different reasons. I can't express how good it was to see you last weekend reguardless the reason. I'm sad about Nathan also (knowing him when he was still in diapers and still can't believe it either.....but like I said to you saturday night, we need to take baby step and one day at a time. TIME will heal us but we have to heal in OUR own ways. I love you so much and so do'es Jenn and it seems no matter how long or far away we are or have been out of touch we always seem to find the path back to each other; after what almost 30 something years,(Which makes you my original fan anf I you'rs-sorry to put that date in there dear but....) I can't it's still one of lifes little mysterys to me. There's a saying I remember " If I could sit across the porch from god, I'd thank him for lending you to me"......Remember I'm here for ya no matter what happens , & always will be. love Dwayne Faslun

12:23 PM  

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