Progress
In all the ups and downs over the past month, Tuesday was a very bad day for me. It was probably as close to having an emotional breakdown as I ever want to come. I went back to my mom's house in Houston for a few days and I feel better now. Funny how moms can do that for you.
DeDe had her MRI today and the cancer hasn't spread to the bone, so that's good. It turns out she has cancer in her breast - not breast cancer - and that's bad. But it hasn't spread to her other breast and all her major organs look healthy. Her partial masectomy is this Monday, then it will be at least six months of radiation and chemotherapy.
Zach is back at Camp Pendleton to wait out his time until he gets out for good in August. I can't believe four years have flown by so fast, but I'm greatly relieved he'll be home again soon. So are the kids.
The kids are experiencing the same emotional waves I am, but they express their pain differently, obviously. Savannah, my seven year-old, seems to be handling things the most healthfully. She watches Nathan's memorial video at least once a day and says things like, "It's okay to cry, we cry because we miss him," and "This is a loving memory of Nathan." She laughs at some of the pictures that flash by, and sometimes she cries silent tears without trying to hide them. When I watch it with her, I catch her from time to time observing me to see what my reaction is. I'm usually smiling because they are happy memories, but sometimes I cry. Silent tears without trying to hide them.
I can tell when a sad wave hits both Joseph and Savannah. They become emotional and cry over things that would have seemed insignificant to them only a month ago. I hold them and comfort them and tell them to cry it out and they will feel better. And they do.
Savannah has become more aware of death and things that might make you die, so anxieties have cropped up over issues like muscle aches and sore throats and spider bites. She is very verbal about her fears, so it's easy for me to explain them away and she happily goes about her business. Joseph is nine years old and not so verbal. I give lots of hugs and ask him if he wants to talk about things, but he never does. Neither does Katie. So I can only trust the process and put out the brush fires.
But I think they are doing okay.
DeDe had her MRI today and the cancer hasn't spread to the bone, so that's good. It turns out she has cancer in her breast - not breast cancer - and that's bad. But it hasn't spread to her other breast and all her major organs look healthy. Her partial masectomy is this Monday, then it will be at least six months of radiation and chemotherapy.
Zach is back at Camp Pendleton to wait out his time until he gets out for good in August. I can't believe four years have flown by so fast, but I'm greatly relieved he'll be home again soon. So are the kids.
The kids are experiencing the same emotional waves I am, but they express their pain differently, obviously. Savannah, my seven year-old, seems to be handling things the most healthfully. She watches Nathan's memorial video at least once a day and says things like, "It's okay to cry, we cry because we miss him," and "This is a loving memory of Nathan." She laughs at some of the pictures that flash by, and sometimes she cries silent tears without trying to hide them. When I watch it with her, I catch her from time to time observing me to see what my reaction is. I'm usually smiling because they are happy memories, but sometimes I cry. Silent tears without trying to hide them.
I can tell when a sad wave hits both Joseph and Savannah. They become emotional and cry over things that would have seemed insignificant to them only a month ago. I hold them and comfort them and tell them to cry it out and they will feel better. And they do.
Savannah has become more aware of death and things that might make you die, so anxieties have cropped up over issues like muscle aches and sore throats and spider bites. She is very verbal about her fears, so it's easy for me to explain them away and she happily goes about her business. Joseph is nine years old and not so verbal. I give lots of hugs and ask him if he wants to talk about things, but he never does. Neither does Katie. So I can only trust the process and put out the brush fires.
But I think they are doing okay.
posted by Cas at 11:56 PM
4 Comments:
This is a good thing - your kids are helping you through the process as you are helping them. And each person grieves differently. Every time I read your blog, I start to cry for you and your family. But I think it is because I have 21yo and think what it is like to lose a child at such a young age. I would be the depressed one if I lost my child and would literally not be functional at all. I think you have done very well to allow yourself and your family to grieve in their own good time, taking it one step at a time. My prayers and thoughts are with you and yours - E :)
Step by step it seems that life just continues even when we aren't sure we want it to. Day by day it gets a little easier, but that hole will always be there. Its good that you all can talk about things so easily. that will be a huge help.
I love you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! Give the kids a kiss and hug for me! I pray everyday for you guys!
T'Noya ...^
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