Sunday, June 17, 2007

Maybe it's time to write that horror novel

Well, everybody keeps telling me to write, but I don't think anyone wants to really know what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking it's been over a week now and life should be getting back to normal, but I don't know what the hell that is. I slept most of the day today. At first I couldn't sleep or eat and now that's all I want to do.

I thought about swimming today. I imagined getting up early tomorrow to do laps like I used to. I thought about how clear and warm the pool is in the morning. The water slips up around you like a comforting glove and it's quiet and peaceful. I thought about how it feels to do laps like that, back and forth across the length of the pool. Then I imagined swimming across the deepest part and feeling two arms slide around my waist to drag me under.

I told you you don't want to know what I'm thinking right now.


Blogger elysabeth said...

Yes, we do - it's part of the process. You will, in time, heal but you need to express yourself in any manner you can. If we keep our feelings inside we aren't any good to anyone else. You have other younguns around that need you just as much as you need them. I'm not saying the oldest is to be forgotten but if you retreat into yourself, your family will lose a good mother and a friend.

A week is barely time to heal and return to "normal". Some folks grieve for months on end. But don't retreat, don't not do anything - keep your son alive by writing something about him - write a story dedicated to him, write something, even if it is a journal of what you are going through - your moments when you break down and cry, your moments when you struggle to get out of bed and keep moving, anything that helps you through the process. You are still in shock and you need to go through all the steps of grieving in order to move on. Don't tell yourself that you are only going to grieve for him for a week or two and then move on. You will eventually get back into the normal, daily routines but your life has been shaken. Your family members' lives have been shaken. Don't grieve alone; your family will be the best thing to help you through the process because you will be helping them too. - -you will find you haven't even gone through the first part of grieving yet - You are still in Shock and thereby denying that your son is dead (natural part of the process) - when you make it to the acceptance stage, you have completed the cycle. It can't happen overnight.

I continue saying my prayers for you and your family and however you can make it through the cycle, whatever works for you, just do that. Journaling will be a good way to get through the cycle. You will never 100% get over his death because he is a part of you and will be forever.

Hang in there, Cas. Take your time. Your friends will wait for you.

12:43 PM  
Blogger psycho_aide said...

as I am so sorry for what you are going through

6:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nobody can tell you what you need right now.

When you feel like writing, you'll do it.

If you don't feel like doing anything, then don't do anything.

Love ya,


PS - Let me know when I need to make a Spec's run - I'm ready for ya!

10:51 PM  

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