Thursday, June 28, 2007

A little therapy

Tuesday at Moody Gardens was very nice. T'Noya was great and the kids had a good time. The aquarium was beautiful. We got to meet two penguins and go behind the scenes at the huge caribbean exhibit tank. It made me hungry for sushi.

Afterwards we went to the beach. Savannah has never been to Galveston and she loved it. Her excitement and enjoyment was a treat for all of us. The water was choppier than usual because of some squalls coming in so it made me a little nervous to watch the kids playing in the surf, but they had fun body surfing and throwing wet sand at each other.

I still feel disconnected. I smile and play nice, but I'm finding it very hard to care about anything. I'm sure there are people I should be trying to stay in contact with and matters I should be attending to, but I just don't care. It's a kind of tunnel vision. If it's in my direct line of sight I might do something about it, otherwise I don't care. It takes too much energy. I have a stack of thank you cards gathering dust on my dining room table.

I know, logically, all the practical things. Nathan is gone to a better place. Life goes on. Blah, blah, blah. But logic has nothing to do with the fact that when I go to the grocery store and see all those faces I want to scream, "My son is dead!"

Nathan will never be 21. He will never have children. He will never grow old. I don't have to worry about leaving my purse out anymore. Or trying to find him a job. Or taking him to his friends' houses when I don't really want to. I can lock the doors at night and turn off the porch light because he won't be going outside for a cigarette.

Great.

And today DeDe found out she has breast cancer. I told her to have a serious talk with her breast and explain to it that this is not a good time for me.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Nash's Mommy said...

I read your blog every few days. One mother to another, who knows the strange pain we share,having lost their son. We learn from this, or I have, not to say those things you refer to. Never say, He is in a better place. To that I say, who gives a damn, I am selfish, I want him here with me!! Life goes on..... in some ways it does. In many ways, for those of us who looked at a tiny face and saw a future, then looked in the casket and saw none, it stands still at times. We remember everything and are frozen in time. This time last year, we were doing so and so. If he were here, he would be doing such and such. Our life morphs into something we never expected, nor desired. They were difficult, so what?! They would grow out of it. They didnt. I was quite sure that my boy would be the one to see that I would never be mistreated in the nursing home. God knows I never thought he would keep me out of it, but he would see that I was okay.
I still drive up to my parent's home and think that it doesnt matter if they arent there, Ernie will be, and he can let me in. Then I remember.
Keep posting Honey, all of the mothers that don't, need to know you are okay. You will be, you know. We owe it to the kids that remain.
Life goes on............

6:49 AM  
Blogger elysabeth said...

Cas,

These are natural feelings. You have to go through the grieving process and sounds like you are doing it.

Sorry to hear about DeDe's breast cancer but hopefully it has been caught in time and can be treated or removed without any complications and she will be in remission for the rest of her life.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers and thoughts and will follow your process. - E :)

10:11 AM  

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