Emotional diarrhea
I have been very cranky this week, and needy. And I don't like it.
I feel like a thin sheet of ice ready to shatter or melt until there's nothing left, and if there's nothing left that's ok. I could cry at any moment (and I did, at work no less, yesterday), but when I'm safe at home alone and it's okay to cry, I can't make it come. And I try. I try to get it out in private so there are no accidents in public, but it won't come on cue.
It's emotional diarrhea. There is no rhyme or reason to it, and no cure. It just hits. Without warning.
I LOVE being a woman.
Of course, some would say it's not hormones. Nathan's birthday is this weekend. He would have been 21, and now he never will be. So that could be it. Or maybe it's the divorce. Maybe the pressure of putting the magazine together again - this time for two months instead of one.
But when my fantasies center around what I would like to do to a whole box of donuts, or the Boston Cream Pie sitting in my fridge, it's a pretty sure bet hormones are playing a role in the drama.
I'm going to go assault a Boston Cream Pie.
I feel like a thin sheet of ice ready to shatter or melt until there's nothing left, and if there's nothing left that's ok. I could cry at any moment (and I did, at work no less, yesterday), but when I'm safe at home alone and it's okay to cry, I can't make it come. And I try. I try to get it out in private so there are no accidents in public, but it won't come on cue.
It's emotional diarrhea. There is no rhyme or reason to it, and no cure. It just hits. Without warning.
I LOVE being a woman.
Of course, some would say it's not hormones. Nathan's birthday is this weekend. He would have been 21, and now he never will be. So that could be it. Or maybe it's the divorce. Maybe the pressure of putting the magazine together again - this time for two months instead of one.
But when my fantasies center around what I would like to do to a whole box of donuts, or the Boston Cream Pie sitting in my fridge, it's a pretty sure bet hormones are playing a role in the drama.
I'm going to go assault a Boston Cream Pie.
posted by Cas at 11:07 PM
1 Comments:
At our mid age, it is a combination of many things. You lost a child; you are still healing from that. You've gone through a separation, move and divorce in a matter of a few months. You started a new job or two in those few months. You have had several holidays come and go and the biggest one of all - Valentine's day, the day of love and you are feeling overwhelmed (and oh yea, hormones are a pain in the butt too - email me - I'll tell you about my emotional diarrhea at some point).
I have so much respect for you. Look at all you've been through in the past roughly six or eight months (have to recheck when your son did pass away but I'm thinking summer). You have had your down times and your up times and you are still going. You have overcome so much and still come through for your family. You have also done this very graciously and in such a manner that you never did break down. So guess what, you are entitled to some emotional diarrhea. You don't have to have a reason for it, you don't need a reason for anything. You are still healing. You are getting over loss in many ways.
So hang in there and remember it is a slow process to heal from the loss of a child, the loss of a marriage, the loss of a home, the loss of a job, the loss of anything else that was lost. But as long as you don't let it consume you (and you haven't) then it is okay to have these days.
You are a great person and I hope and wish for some less sad times in the months ahead but I also don't want the good, happy times to move in and let you forget what you had. It has definitely made you stronger and I think a better person in the long run.
See you in the postings - E :)
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