Just when you thought it was over, or at least bearable
Someone pointed out to me today that I never gave you guys the update on Nathan's toxicology report. It turns out that the original report was correct; the investigating officer had just never seen one so clean, so it caught him by surprise. That and the fact that it came back so fast.
So, Nathan was living right and doing what he was supposed to do. And he still is, as far as I'm concerned. Just not where we can be with him for a while.
His girlfriend, Whitney, came over today. I've had my ups and downs with her in the past, but honestly we had a good visit. It was nice to be with someone who still mourns his loss and will talk about it with me. I mean, I know other people would talk with me if I asked them too, but they don't feel it, they're not still going through it. She does and she is.
It was disturbing, too. I cried again today for the first time in a while, and I didn't see it coming. It just blindsided me like a smack in the face. I have never felt so out of control of myself in my life and it scared the shit out of me.
I wish I could be one of those tiny little dainty women who cry when they feel like it and it's so precious. Tears well up in their big, beautiful eyes until they brim over onto their delicate, porcelain cheeks and it's all so sweet. Some gallant gentleman offers a handkerchief or tissue and they dab the tears away and look even more lovely and fragile when it's all over.
With me, it's a big, huge, white-knuckled fight to hold it back until everything finally explodes in a nasty combination of waterworks, snot, red-nosed, swollen-faced, body wracking, heart wrenching sobs. My eyes nearly swell shut and my face ends up puffy and blotchy for hours. There isn't a graceful thing about it.
Kind of like when I exercise.
So, Nathan was living right and doing what he was supposed to do. And he still is, as far as I'm concerned. Just not where we can be with him for a while.
His girlfriend, Whitney, came over today. I've had my ups and downs with her in the past, but honestly we had a good visit. It was nice to be with someone who still mourns his loss and will talk about it with me. I mean, I know other people would talk with me if I asked them too, but they don't feel it, they're not still going through it. She does and she is.
It was disturbing, too. I cried again today for the first time in a while, and I didn't see it coming. It just blindsided me like a smack in the face. I have never felt so out of control of myself in my life and it scared the shit out of me.
I wish I could be one of those tiny little dainty women who cry when they feel like it and it's so precious. Tears well up in their big, beautiful eyes until they brim over onto their delicate, porcelain cheeks and it's all so sweet. Some gallant gentleman offers a handkerchief or tissue and they dab the tears away and look even more lovely and fragile when it's all over.
With me, it's a big, huge, white-knuckled fight to hold it back until everything finally explodes in a nasty combination of waterworks, snot, red-nosed, swollen-faced, body wracking, heart wrenching sobs. My eyes nearly swell shut and my face ends up puffy and blotchy for hours. There isn't a graceful thing about it.
Kind of like when I exercise.
posted by Cas at 11:54 PM
1 Comments:
We all can't be dainty china dolls - so it's okay to be puffy-eyed, red-nosed, and the whole works - you know they let it out when they are by themselves - they just don't know how to be human in public - so I'm with you
My youngest son's face gets all splotchy when he gets upset and cries - it's weird - never noticed it on anyone else but him - he gets forehead and cheeks right between the corners of his eyes and cheekbones splotchy - looks weird but he's still lovable and cute -
I think you are doing just fine and it doesn't matter when the crying spells hit you, it is all part of the grieving process. Hang in there, you will survive this and the spells will come less and less - but your heart will always have a hole in it from the loss of your son - prayers and hugs and thoughts your way - E :)
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