Or Campbell's Tomato Soup, for that matter?

After a full week of wallowing in depression I learned this: One can spend an entirely entertaining and thought-free day watching the NFL channel. Who would have thought? My dad would be so proud.

I've been doing a lot of praying and soul-searching. There were many cobwebs in that cave, but I think I'm coming out of the other end. Time and a mass quantity of Flaming Hot Cheetos heals all wounds.

I am hitting the sales trail hard. The magazine is actually a fabulous marketing device, so it's just a matter of finding businesses that understand that. Does anybody have Guliani's campaign manager's phone number?

My column came out in this issue. I think my eyes look puffy, but at least my double chin doesn't show. It's the little things in life that matter.

I wonder if this is going to use up my fifteeen minutes of fame? Or was that used up when I worked for the radio station? Do we each get two sets of fifteen minutes? Does the fame count if it's only county-wide?

Where's Andy Warhol when you need him?