A little therapy

Tuesday at Moody Gardens was very nice. T'Noya was great and the kids had a good time. The aquarium was beautiful. We got to meet two penguins and go behind the scenes at the huge caribbean exhibit tank. It made me hungry for sushi.

Afterwards we went to the beach. Savannah has never been to Galveston and she loved it. Her excitement and enjoyment was a treat for all of us. The water was choppier than usual because of some squalls coming in so it made me a little nervous to watch the kids playing in the surf, but they had fun body surfing and throwing wet sand at each other.

I still feel disconnected. I smile and play nice, but I'm finding it very hard to care about anything. I'm sure there are people I should be trying to stay in contact with and matters I should be attending to, but I just don't care. It's a kind of tunnel vision. If it's in my direct line of sight I might do something about it, otherwise I don't care. It takes too much energy. I have a stack of thank you cards gathering dust on my dining room table.

I know, logically, all the practical things. Nathan is gone to a better place. Life goes on. Blah, blah, blah. But logic has nothing to do with the fact that when I go to the grocery store and see all those faces I want to scream, "My son is dead!"

Nathan will never be 21. He will never have children. He will never grow old. I don't have to worry about leaving my purse out anymore. Or trying to find him a job. Or taking him to his friends' houses when I don't really want to. I can lock the doors at night and turn off the porch light because he won't be going outside for a cigarette.

Great.

And today DeDe found out she has breast cancer. I told her to have a serious talk with her breast and explain to it that this is not a good time for me.

Enough said

I'm taking the kids tomorrow to see the penguins at Moody Gardens in Galveston. My niece, T'Noya, is in charge of the penguins and seals and I can't wait to see her at work.

I've been hanging in there, still bagging up trash and getting rid of clothes the kids can't wear anymore. I cleaned out Nathan's clothes today.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Cleaning house

I cleaned out the kid's room today with a lot of help from my friend, Nicole. Eight full trash bags later there is proof that the rumors of my children's floor were true. They do have one.

Katie, Joseph, and Savannah share a rather large bedroom. Katie has been clamoring for her own room for ages and now it looks like there may be light at the end of the tunnel. We'll be cleaning out Nathan's room next. Zach will stay in it for a while when he gets out of the Marines in August, but he's been accepted to Sam Houston State University in Huntsville, so he probably won't be staying in it for long.

Weird how these things work out and life moves on, huh?

Lessons learned the hard way

You should never feed a dog your leftover barbecue baked potato.

Trust me on this one.

Maybe it's time to write that horror novel

Well, everybody keeps telling me to write, but I don't think anyone wants to really know what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking it's been over a week now and life should be getting back to normal, but I don't know what the hell that is. I slept most of the day today. At first I couldn't sleep or eat and now that's all I want to do.

I thought about swimming today. I imagined getting up early tomorrow to do laps like I used to. I thought about how clear and warm the pool is in the morning. The water slips up around you like a comforting glove and it's quiet and peaceful. I thought about how it feels to do laps like that, back and forth across the length of the pool. Then I imagined swimming across the deepest part and feeling two arms slide around my waist to drag me under.

I told you you don't want to know what I'm thinking right now.

The initial stages

Nathan's memorial service was on Sunday and I picked up the urn with his ashes in it today. I guess that's it, as far as ceremonies go.

It is inconceivable that this time last week I was eating Creme Brulee overlooking a beautiful lake in northern Idaho and my son was alive. Now he's dead and I'm still folding his laundry and picking up his last paycheck and he's in a small box in the top of my closet.

For those of you who don't know, he wasn't found floating in the pool; he was at the bottom of the deepest part with his head resting on his arms. We used to play a game where you hold your breath and let the air out of your lungs so you sink to the bottom of the pool and see how long you can stay down. Evidently he'd been taking an illegal form of Xanax which made him feel comfortable enough at the bottom of the pool to stay there forever. We'll know for sure when the toxicology report comes in a few weeks from now.

I spoke at his memorial and we played a movie my best friend and I put together that contained about 188 pictures spanning Nathan's life set to music he would have liked. It is a good memory for me.

I'm tired but I can't sleep. I keep feeling like there's something I should be doing, but I can't for the life of me think what it could be. I'm alternately angry and resigned.

And I still keep thinking he's going to walk around the corner and this is all going to be a terrible mistake.

Even though I know his ashes are in the top of my closet.

What can I say?

Nothing.

My 20 year-old son, Nathan Barrett Litton, died yesterday in our backyard swimming pool. He drowned for no apparent reason. He had been in the backyard alone for about 10 minutes and some friends came over and found him floating face down. He was pronounced dead late yesterday afternoon when paramedics couldn't revive him. I was in a car on my way to the airport in Spokane, Washington.

I got back to Houston at 6:30 this morning. Now I have to put together pictures for his memorial service that will be on Sunday. It's 3:30 am and I'm still wearing the same clothes I had on yesterday.

The earth is still spinning, I'm still breathing. But I will never be the same.

Wish You Were Here

Ok - I'm almost done with my Idaho/Great White North experience and I leave for San Diego tomorrow. I don't have much internet access so this'll have to do for now.

Suffice it to say, I've ridden in a mini-van on a ridiculously narrow, one-way gravel road up the side of a mountain to see buffalo WAY too up close and personal at the National Bison Range in Montana; I've been chased by a young black bear at Glacier National Park; and I've hiked much further than my physical stamina was ready for to see an absolutely unbelievable view of glacial waterfalls and a glacier lake - after which I drank water from a glacial waterfall they now tell me could cause bacteria to grow in my intestines. Didn't the indians drink this water???

Anyway, I'll be posting updates and pictures as soon as I can. No telling what's going to happen in the great state of California - or what state I'll be in when I get there.